Akatsuki Mishaps
by Byakusharinnegan
Summary: There's always the time where the title "S-Rank Criminals" no longer suits them at all... Warning: May cause you to laugh hard enough up to the point where you may have a really bad stomachache/headache/sore throat.
1. Deidara and the Atomic Bomb

**Hi! I'm on a funny Akatsuki writing spree, and this is the second one after _The Barney Apocalypse _where it mentions in the summary that what happened was worse than when Deidara discovered the atomic bomb.**

**So this is Deidara's Funny Moments.**

**I don't own Naruto or the atomic bomb or anything that could be owned in here. Except for the plot, I guess.**

**So enjoy!**

* * *

"Brat."

Deidara did not look up from his clay sculpting, instead focusing harder on his bird and humming louder. Sasori heaved a sigh of exasperation before continuing monotonously,

"Brat. Leader-sama would like to inform you that he is holding a meeting and-"

"I don't care, uhn. Art takes priority over anything else, uhn."

"Even if he said that if you didn't come, Itachi would punish you?"

Deidara's eye widened at the thought of Itachi placing him in Tsukiyomi and showing him pictures of puppets that were labeled "True Art" and clay sculptures that exploded and were labeled "Cheap Ripoff Art".

"OK DANNA GOT TO GO TO MEETING UHN!" called Deidara as he ran out. A girlish scream was heard and a thud. Sasori stepped out to see an unconscious Deidara and Itachi standing there.

Itachi nodded once as a greeting.

Sasori nodded back before picking up Deidara and walking to the meeting room.

"You three are late." Leader-sama sat on his DToAD (Dark Throne of Awesome Doom) and was wearing his DaMACoD (Dark and Mysterious Awesome Cloud of Doom).

Sasori pointed to Deidara.

Itachi pointed to his pocky box.

Deidara was unconscious.

"...Right. Moving on..."

* * *

Leader nodded at Deidara.

"I hope you know what to do, correct?"

Deidara nodded. "I go in the Konoha facility of nuclear bombs, steal the atomic bomb, and sneak out."

"Good. You will also be working with Tobi. He'll provide the distraction needed."

"Alright, uh-WAIT WHAT?!"

"Tobi is going."

"No. Way. Uhn."

"Too late, Deidara." Leader raised his voice. "TOBI! COME HERE PLEASE!"

A man with an orange mask lept in.

"Tobi at your service, Leader-san-kun-chan-sama-sempai-sensei-sama-kun-san-sempai-"

"Tobi, Deidara wants you to distract the guards at the facility."

"Hai, Deidara-san-kun-chan-sama-sempai-sensei-sama-kun-san-sempai-chan-sama-"

"Tobi, shut up, uhn."

* * *

"Guard-san-kun-chan-sama-sempai-sensei-san-kun-chan-sama-sempai-sensei-"

Kotetsu slowly turned to see the man with an orange mask that was dressed in shockingly bright rainbow clothes.

His partner Izumo seemed surprised.

"Yes?" asked Izumo.

"Ah! Tobi is here to ask you something!"

"What is it?"

"Well...um...Tobi forgot..." seeing the guards' bored expressions, Tobi quickly added,

"But it had something to do with black! And red clouds! ANd what else...wait. Let Tobi remember..."

* * *

While Tobi was trying to figure out an extremely complicated question, Deidara was sneaking into the facility. Using his super-awesome ninja feet and his super-awesome chakra to climb the not-super-awesome wall was freakishly easy, so Deidara had no trouble finding the bombs and sealing them into scrolls.

"...And you can stop right there." Deidara slowly turned and stared. 30 ROOT ANBU were standing there, ready to kill him.

"You have commited grave crimes and we shall execute you on the stop, miss."

Deidara's killing intent grew. "Did. You. Just. Call. Me. A. Miss?"

"So, lady?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL UHN!" screamed Deidara before unleashing the fury of a Deidara who was mistaken for a girl.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"Tobi will remember the question...just give Tobi some time..." said Tobi was he sat there.

Izumo and Kotetsu looked at each other in exasperation before sending a shadow clone off to get something to read.

* * *

Deidara left behind 30 defeated Konoha elites and a severly burned up bomb facility. He happily flew back to the Akatsuki hideout, not noticing that he had forgotten something.

The rest of the Akatsuki welcomed him back.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Konoha...

"Tobi is sure that Tobi will remember Tobi's question..."

* * *

"Kisame."

"Yes, Itachi-san?"

"Did you ever notice that Deidara has completely forgotten about Tobi?"

"...Yes, I did, Itachi-san. But why bring it up now?"

"Someone has gone through my pocky, and Tobi is the only one who cares about pocky enough to help me."

Kisame sighed. Itachi's obsession with pocky was the same as dango. The only reason Itachi ate pocky more was because dango did not taste good when it was cold.

He was also fiercely protective of his pocky (It was like Kakuzu when it came to money) and would be severly disturbed to haters of pocky. Like that time with the Kumo shinobi...

"Don't worry, Itachi-san, it's your lucky day."

"Why is that, Kisame?"

"I went out today and I found some dango-flavoured pocky."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Kisame was half-telling the truth, it fact, he had simply had the dango maker wrap the dango around pocky sticks.

"Thank you, Kisame-san."

Kisame felt a bit surprised. Itachi did not call anyone "-san" or "-sama" unless he highly respected the person. So far, he was the second of the Akatsuki to receive the title (Leader was first).

* * *

Still in Konoha...

"Aha! Tobi remembers now!" Tobi jumped up brightly, to see no one in sight.

"But, if no one is here, Tobi will forge- aww, Tobi forgot his question..."

* * *

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!

Deidara grinned. This so-called "atomic bomb was quite fun. And effective. A bright idea suddenly popped into his head.

Time to see if this could kill Tobi.

An hour of chasing later, Deidara had thrown the bomb at Tobi point blank. He was cackling madly until a familiar voice asked from behind him,

"Wow! That was so cool! Can Deidara-sempai make more?"

Deidara slowly turned in horror to see a perfectly unharmed Tobi.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, UUUHHHHNNNN!" the cry came across the entire shinobi world.

**Next will be Sasori's turn!**

**Which pair do you want to go next?**

**Is it...**

**Itachi and Kisame?**

**Hidan and Kakuzu?**

**Leader-sama and Konan?**

**Or Tobi and Zetsu?**

**Review and tell me!**


	2. Sasori and the Story of Pinnochio

**Now it's Sasori's turn!**

**It's the story of Pinnochio...**

**I don't own Naruto or Pinnochio. I don't have anything against Pinnochio, either, as I actually quite like the story, but Sasori doesn't (unfortunately).**

* * *

"Movie night! Movie night! Akatsuki movie night!" sang Tobi as he hopped around the room, nearly hitting Kisame (who was balancing bowls of popcorn on his sword), Itachi (armed his supply of dango and pocky) and actually ended up hitting Kakuzu (who was counting his money).

"What movie are we watching?" asked Konan as she stepped into the room.

"Pinnochio!" exclaimed Deidara as he popped the CD in and turned off the lights.

About an hour and a half later, the movie had finished, and Sasori was staring at the screen with a dejected expression.

Deidara cast a rather worried glance at him. "Sasori-no-danna, what's wrong?"

"Pinnochio...is an idiot."

"And why is that, danna?"

"What kind of puppet wishes to turn into a human? Art is enternal, and puppets are eternal. Would it not be better to be a puppet?"

Kakuzu sighed. "Not every puppet is capable of such...mindset like you, Sasori."

Sasori did not answer and instead stood up and moved out of the room.

* * *

The next day, Deidara and Sasori were assigned on a mission to assasinate the leader of Hanzo's old army. Or, at least, what was left of it. Ever since Hanzo died, the Hanzo supporters went into hiding. But soon, some were bold enough to form a new army.

Tobi had secretly followed them. However, as soon as both sides opened fire, with the army firing in the vague direction of Deidara and Sasori, Tobi lept out, tripped, and knocked over 2 dozen soldiers.

Tobi gasped. "Sorry, soldier-san!"

"Tobi!" Deidara called out. "Knock the soldiers out!"

"But, Deidara-sempai, why should-"

"They killed Leader-sama's best friend!"

Tobi slowly turned to the leader. "That was not nice."

The army leader snorted. "Yeah, sure. Now move so we can kill those two idiots."

"Did you call Deidara-sempai and Sasori-sempai idiots?"

"Yeah. SO?"

Tobi's killing intent grew before he began to punch the leader.

"Dei-dara-sem-pai-and-Sa-sori-sem-pai-are-not-idiots!"

Meanwhile, Sasori turned his puppets onto a group of rather unfortunate soldiers. ANd while all was going well (as in the soldier dying), a certain soldier (we'll call him Bob for now) decided to scream,

"IT'S AN INSANE PINNOCHIO!"

And we all know how _that_ went for Sasori.

The puppeteer immediately turned the wrath of 451 puppets (including Sasori himself) onto the unfortunate Bob.

"You dare call me Pinnochio?" Sasori hissed out in a pretty good imitation of Orochimaru. **(A/N: It was more like some sort of hybrid of Parseltongue and English, but this isn't a Harry Potter fic)**

Unfortunately, Bob wasn't the smartest soldier there was. And that meant he replied,

"Y-yeah! Y-you're a p-puppet, and-"

"Listen, you fool," Sasori hissed out, striding towards Bob like Pein when he strode towards Hanzo **(Or when Voldemort strode towards Harry)** "Like that pathetic Pinnochio, I am a puppet, but unlike that pathetic Pinnochio, I. Do. Not. Wish. To. Be. Come. A Boy. I have already been a boy for 15 years and it is much better to be eternal, for life is-"

Here he gave a flick of his wrists and sent the puppets towards the entire group of soldiers.

"-eternal!"

* * *

_A good hour later..._

Every single one of Hanzo's army was slaughtered. Except for Bob.

"W-what are you going t-to do to me?"

Sasori stared down at the irritable soldier.

"Danna."

Sasori turned his head. "What?"

"What are you doing to do to him, uhn?"

Sasori turned his head back. After a moment of consideration, he spoke.

"I will teach him that Pinnochio is an idiotic puppet."

"How will you do that, uhn?"

"By doing this." Sasori took out a brush and painted the word "PINNOCHIO" on Bob's chest.

"Now blow him up."

Deidara did a double take. "Repeat that, uhn."

"Blow him up."

"Danna-"

"Yes, I told you to blow him up. And do it now, or I will poison you."

"ART IS AN EXPLO-"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!

**And Sasori's done!**

**Thanks to iluvninjas's review (forgive me if I spelled your pen name wrong) I will be doing Itachi and Kisame next.**

**Who should be next?**

**Hidan and Kakuzu**

**Konan and all 6 bodies of Pein**

**Zetsu**

**Tobi**

**Review and tell me!**


	3. Itachi and His No-So-Foolish Rules

**It's Itachi's turn, everyone!**

**I don't own Naruto or Pocky or Dango.**

* * *

It is a well known fact that Uchiha Itachi, murderer of the entire Uchiha clan save one Uchiha Sasuke, is a skilled shinobi up to the point where he could fight jounin and eat pocky at the same time.

It is not a well known fact that the same Uchiha Itachi, member of Akatsuki, is also extremely devoted to pocky and dango.

Only the Akatsuki knew that.

So came the prank.

Hidan had arranged a large straw basket on a stick with a string attatched to it. When you pulled the string, the stick would come away and the basket would fall. Bait was a plate of warm dango.

And, of course, Itachi fell for it.

Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu were in the middle of laughing their asses off when Kisame dashed in.

"Have you seen Ita-OH NO."

Sasori paused laughing long enough to say, "What?"

"You'd better let Itachi-san go..."

"Why, uhn?" asked Deidara.

"Um...because..." Kisame turned to see Itachi in all his Mangekyou Sharingan glory. A _very_ pissed off Itachi in all his Mangekyou Sharingan glory.

"AMATERASU!"

Leader stared at the severly charred Deidara, Hidan and Kakuzu. Then he stared at the seemingly extremely relived Sasori. Then he stared at Kisame, who was yelling at Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, and Kakuzu. Itachi was walking along without a care in the world, a stick of dango in his mouth.

What the hell?

* * *

There is a reason why Itachi is never seen fighting with pocky or dango in his mouth.

One moonlight night, Itachi was walking with a stick of pocky in his mouth. Grass hunter nin surrounded him.

"Take out that pocky and fight us!"

Itachi turned to the ninja who spoke and said,

"Hn."

Other ninja chuckled. "Seems like the great Uchiha is weak up to the point where-GAACK!"

Blood spurted out from his mouth before he fell over. The remaining hunter nin slowly turned to see Uchiha Itachi with a stick of pocky in his mouth calmly wiping his kunai off with a Grass hitaite. He turned to the remaining nin and vanished.

The hunter nin fell dead, a kunai through each of their hearts.

Afterwards, Itachi did not eat pocky while fighting.

* * *

In the Konoha edition of the bingo book, this is Uchiha Itachi's entry.

Name: Uchiha Itachi

Age: 17

Rank: S-class

Jutsu: Mainly fire jutsu, but knows fair amounts of wind, lightning, earth, and water jutsu as well.

Village: Ex-Konoha nin. Left after killing the 432 members of the Uchiha clan.

Useful Facts: When engaging in combat (which would already be pretty stupid) do not fight if Uchiha Itachi has a stick of pocky or dango in his mouth. These are extremely fragile and Uchiha Itachi will go into a rage if they break. Breaking the entire box is a one-way ticket to Mangekyou Sharingan La-la Land.

For the rest of the bingo books, this is Uchiha Itachi's entry.

Name: Uchiha Itachi

Age: Don't bother.

Rank: S-class with the fear capacity of the Yondaime Hokage

Useful Facts: If you see him eating pocky or dango, RUN LIKE HELL.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi's Rules:

1. Aiming below the belt when fighting men is not cheating.

2. Those who harm the dango shall be punished.

3. Same goes for pocky.

4. While Kisame is rather annoying, he is my partner and therefore I must have at least a tiny bit of compassiong for him.

5. "Hn" is an Uchiha trademark quote and should not be used by a non-Uchiha.

6. The Uchiha "Hn" is not to be confused with the Nara "Tch" or the Hyuuga "..."

7. When someone annoys you, throw a kunai between his legs if it is male and run like hell if it is a female.

8. The true way to get rid of fangirls is to "transfer" them to foolish little brothers.

9. Sasuke is a foolish little brother.

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Uchiha Itachi does read Jiraiya's work - but only the non-smutty ones.

His favorite words include "foolish", "little", and "brother".

Uchiha Itachi wakes up at exactly 5:03 everyday. Wake him up even at 5:02:59 and you shall die.

Uchiha Itachi drinks a cup of coffee in the morning while he scans the newspaper for any news of his foolish little brother.

Uchiha Itachi is guiltless when he steals money from Kakuzu's safe and blames it on Hidan.

When Uchiha Itachi wishes the cross the road, the chicken flees in fear.

Uchiha Itachi can water-walk on land.

* * *

**Next will be Kisame's turn!**

**Please Review! Even guest reviews are fine - I usually do that when I'm on a phone. **


	4. Kisame and Sharks

**It's Kisame's turn! I updated again because the Giants won the World Series!**

**And I am looking for a beta. A beta who knows how I send documents to him/her to proofread. Because I have no idea how. ^.^"**

**I don't own Naruto, or shark fin soup (heck, I never even saw it before).**

* * *

No one in the entire ninja world understood Kisame like Samehada did. Sure, Itachi sometimes sort of cared about Kisame (as in refraining from throwing rocks at him when bored), but Samehada was a good friend.

And today Kisame wrote a list for Byakusharinnegan about why he liked Samehada (Byaku has a friend who was able to "persuade" Kisame).

1. He has "Same" in his name just like me!

2. He is blue just like me!

3. He has a lot of chakra just like me!

4. He thinks that Itachi is girly just lik-

**We apologize for the interruption as Itachi was severly insulted by #4. Therefore, while Kisame writhes in the pain on the floor, Itachi will finish the list.**

4. Samehada is a big idiot and so is Kisame.

**We apologize for the interruption again as Kisame has woken up and is severly pissed o-wait, he got knocked out again.**

* * *

Before Zabuza died, he and Kisame would get together to play poker, get drunk, gripe about their girly partners, and get themselves sent to Mangekyou Sharingan La-la Land and become miniature ice needle pincushions.

Byaku was able to acquire some info from a weasel and therefore writes it out.

Kisame charged in, waving Samehada like a gigantic banner.

"Zabuza! I challenge you to a game of poker! Which I will win!"

Zabuza glanced up. "I always win poker."

"We're going to bet our partne-"

"Kisame."

Kisame slowly turned. "Yes, Itachi-san?"

PUNCH!

Itachi strode past the Kisame-shaped imprint of the wall back towards the door.

Zabuza stood up, hefting up his sword as he did so.

"Hey! You're paying for tha-"

PUNCH!

Itachi walked past the Kisame-shaped imprint and Zabuza-shaped imprint, out the door, and down the long spiralling hallway, making imprints of everyone he saw.

When Haku returned after gathering herbs, he saw 15 different ninja-shaped holes in the wall and a Kisame imprint and Zabuza imprint in the wall as well.

And it was just Kisame's luck that Leader had decided to change the password.

* * *

Whenever Hidan made lunch, it was usually bloody.

When Kakuzu made lunch, it was a piece of toast to save money.

Sasori was a puppet and therefore did not eat, so having him cook lunch was useless.

No one trusted Deidara with his hand mouths and exploding clay.

Kisame put fish into everything.

And, Itachi, surprisingly, was a rather good cook, specializing in onigiri and any food involving a _lot_ of tomatoes.

So when the Akatsuki gathered for lunch on a cold day, it was with gratefulness that they saw Itachi making soup.

After everyone had slurped up every single drop (Hidan actually showed good table manners and Deidara did not blow anything up) Leader turned to Itachi and said,

"What was that, anyways?"

Everyone suddenly stiffened, worried that Itachi might've poisoned them.

Itachi responded monotonously,

"Shark fin soup."

Everyone relaxed except Kisame, who was hacking and coughing, and Samehada, who was chattering a nervous "GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI-GI!"

"Itachi-san *cough* how could you *hack* do this *choke* to me?" Kisame managed out.

Itachi shrugged. "The storeowner gave me a bag of what he called soup fish and gave me a recipe for soup."

Kakuzu suddenly said,

"How much did that cost? Shark fin is really expensive, you know." **(Plus, you waste the rest of the shark! Stop harvesting shark fins and heaving the finless, still alive sharks back into the ocean!)**

"Strangely enough, it was free. But since-"

"Itachi-san! Where was the shopkeeper?"

Itachi turned to face his partner. "Somewhere in Konoha, I believe."

_A few hours later..._

"He was _what_?" asked a skeptical Ibiki.

"He kept on hitting me with a giant sword! And he kept on screaming something about it being revenge for sharks!" the shopkeeped wailed out, shuddering on the floor.

"Sure..." Ibiki had a jounin bring the shopkeeper to the Mentally Insane area of the hospital. The _fifteenth_ shopkeeper, to be exact.

But now that he thought about it, wasn't there a blue shark man hefting a giant sword in the Akatsuki?

* * *

**And that's finished.**

**Hee hee hee...I wonder if Ibiki wil figure it out...**

**Hidan and Kakuzu are next, and then Konan and the Six Paths of Pain, then Tobi, and maaaybeeee Orochimaru.**

**And what's with the extremely slow pace of the Naruto issues these days?**

**THey're all flashbacks! Come on!**


	5. Hidan and a Terrible Day

**Now it's Hidan's turn! In order to make this story readable, I have ommitted all swear words - as Hidan swore every word.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

July 22 was a weird day every single year.

It was the day where money frm Kakuzu's safe was missing.

It was the day when Kakuzu went into a moneyhunt.

It was the day when Hidan was dragged out on Jashin knows how many bounty hunts.

It was the day that Itachi and Kisame _always_ went on a mission and did not return until July 24.

It was also the day before Sasuke's birthday. Not that anyone knew, really.

Sasuke knew.

Itachi, being Sasuke's wonderful caring (although mentally scarring) older brother, knew.

Kisame, as Sasuke's wonderful caring older brother's partner, knew.

Pein, as Sasuke's wonderful caring older brother's leader, knew as well.

Kakuzu, as the source of money for Sasuke's birthday present, did not know.

And poor Hidan was left to suffer Kakuzu's money deprieved wrath.

So one day, Hidan decided that he had enough of it and decided to expose whoever was stealing the meny. His plan was relatively simple: wait next to Kakuzu's safe and capture the thief when he/she came to take the money.

So he waited until July 22 rolled around. Hidan plonked himself dow next to the safe and waited. THe door opened and a figure in an cloak carefully spun the many dials on the safe and unlocked the many locks before reaching in.

"YYYYAAAAAAAAA!" Hidan yelled out, leaping on the figure. He engaged in a short fistfight before a hand grabbed him around the neck and raised him up. Hidan frowned. There was only one shinobi who could do this. Kakuzu.

As if right on cue, the annoyed figure rose up to reveal Kakuzu, who stormed outside before proceeding to beat Hidan up.

Itachi strode down the hallway just as Kakuzu left and took enough money to buy that weasel he saw in the pet shop. The weasel would make a good pet for his foolish otouto.

* * *

Sasuke carefully opened the box that was making a sound like some sort of rodent. He uncovered the lid and saw a cage fully accomadated with food, bedding and water...and a weasel.

The letter at the top of the cage said,

_Happy Birthday, foolish little brother._

_Itachi_

Sasuke's eye twitched. Itachi knew that Sasuke knew that the name "Itachi" meant weasel, so...

Sasuke turned to the weasel just in time to see that this weasel had some sort of marking on the inner side of its eyes. Come to think of it, those lines sort of looked like Itachi's stress lines.

The weasel extended a paw and hit Sasuke's forehead in the exact same spot Itachi did.

Sasuke fainted.

* * *

Hidan was now mad. As in I'm-mad-enought-to-pull-an-Itachi-and-massacre-a-clan sort of mad. And that was never good for the Akatsuki. Pein had to send Kakuzu out 15 times already to prevent the human race from ending too quickly.

Needless to say, Hidan was not very happy. If anything, he got madder.

And desperate times call for desperate matter. Pein did a simple roll of the dice and got 6. That meant they were dropping Hidan smack in the middle of Konoha.

And for the curious ones, the special "Bad Luck Village" dice was numbered like so:

1 - Ame

2 - Kumo

3 - Suna

4 - Iwa

5 - Kiri

6 - Konoha

* * *

Danzou was rather proud to say that he had approzimately 500 specialized ANBU loyal only to him. Key word: Was.

When Kakuzu had dropped Hidan from Deidara's bird, Hidan had fallen and made quite the hole in the ground. It just so happened that the hole led to a tunnel, which the ragin Hidan rushing through, cutting down anyone or anything that stood in his way.

Which included:

5 boulders

A large train of supply wagons

A freakishly large mutant butterfly thing

And about half of Danzo's forces.

And on of Danzou's Sharigan eyes as a bonus.

* * *

Sasuke woke up to see Orochimaru leering at him. He screamed and would have fainted if an even girlier scream had not interrupted him.

Kabuto was frantically defending himself against Itachi's birthday present.

* * *

**Hidan's is finished! For some reason, it seems to be shorter...I think I'm running out of idea.**

**Does anyone have any ideas to suggest for Kakuzu? **


	6. Kakuzu and his Holiday Trip

**Now it is Kakuzu's turn!**

**Thanks to TheGirlWithNoIQ and iluvninjas, I have a new idea for this chapter!**

**I have currently discovered Arcana Famiglia and is going on an anime-watching spree.**

**I do not own Naruto, nor Spongebob. And I do not have anything against Spongebob, either. Apparently Kakuzu does, though.**

* * *

Hidan was seriously pissed off. Again. But instead of going on a massacre like before, he decided that this time, he would swallow his pride and go to Itachi for help.

He failed to notice a few faults.

1 - Itachi was out on a mission.

2 - A Jashinist does not swallow his/her pride.

3 - Hidan. Hates. Itachi. Like. He. Hates. Non-Jashinist believers.

When he actually explained his plan to Itachi, however, the Uchiha agreed except for one thing:

A Tsukiyomi-level genjutsu incorporating all of Akatsuki used a hell of a lot of chakra and he's probably die before he even pulled Kakuzu in. So, instead, they should send Kakuzu to an actual holiday resort.

* * *

Kakuzu stared at the rest of Akatsuki.

Pein stepped forward. "Kakuzu, you have done well as a member. So, we shall be sending you to the Full Price Holiday Resort."

Before Kakuzu could protest, he had been eaten by Deidara's bird and sent to the holiday resort.

* * *

About an hour later, Kakuzu was crying. Even though he had brought his own food and stuff, he was still horrifed at the prices.

A tuna sandwich cost $50!

Deciding to watch TV to stave off his depression, Kakuzu flipped to a random channel and watched for the next few half-hours or so.

***ABOUT 2 HOURS LATER***

Kakuzu shuddered. It was terrible! There was a yellow square thing with a funny nose who lived in an undersea pinneaple! There was a pink starfish living under a rock! And the yellow square thing made hamburgers underwater! It defied logic!

At least he could sympathise with that red crab. Money was awesome.

He found a note on the table. It said:

_Hello, Kakuzu, we hope you are enjoying the visit. After all, we bribed Itachi to temporarily brainwash Leader to send you here. Hope you enjoy! The prices should be pretty good._

_From,_

_TheGirlWithNoIQ_

_iluvninjas_

_Byakusharinnegan_

Kakuzu made a mental note to hunt down those three when he got back. Damn the prices, he was heading out of here- now.

* * *

***FIVE HOURS LATER***

* * *

Kakuzu glared at the invisible wall, trying to Uchiha Death Glare it into submission like Itachi had once done with Hidan. It didn't work. Annoyed, he continued to throw jutsu after jutsu at it, hoping that it would break. Finally he gave up and stalked back.

No one told him that it was a special blend of plastic that would stop anything. No one also told him that there was a door about 20 feet left of where he was standing.

When he got back, he discovered that there was, apparently, a giant safe hidden somewhere in the Holiday Resort. So, taking a leaf out of Hidan's book, he proceeded to destroy everything until the safe was cracked open and the money was revealed.

Kakuzu snatched it up and ran back to the annoying barrier that had somehow eluded destroyment.

* * *

Leader stared at the three cloaked people. "You are-?"

The one in the middle answered. "We're here to see Kakuzu."

"He's not here."

"Oh. Then we'll just wait."

* * *

Kakuzu was very, very, very sure that the three people who left him the note apparently like to torture him **(well...it's true for at least one...)**.

After all, who in their right mind would send Tobi to "escort" him back?

"Kakuzu-sempai! Kakuzu-sempai! Ka-ku-zu-sem-pai!"

Kakuzu desperately tried to keep from killing the menace right there as he gritted out a "What?"

"Look at me!"

Kakuzu turned to see a Tobi clad in shockingly bright rainbow clothes with a shockingly bright mask that sparkled. Tobi was leaping around, and made a perfect imitation of a live Christmas decoration.

And then Tobi tripped and tumbled down the very, very, very, very, very steep hill. Probably the result of the mask having no holes.

Kakuzu was tempted to just grab a kunai and dispose of his five hearts right now. Or maybe he should go to Konoha and let them kill Tobi. After all, he just had to throw Tobi in, right?

That plan did not work out as soon as every single shinobi brushed off Tobi as "a combination of Anko, Gai, Lee, and a extremely perverted Jiraiya".

* * *

When Kakuzu finally came back, Leader actually welcomed him back and said,

"Oh, and Kakuzu. Some people named iluvninjas, TheGirlWithNoIQ, and Byakusharinnegan said they wanted to see you."

Kakuzu growled and immediately entered the room to kill them only to be faced with Itachi.

A very, very, very pissed off Itachi who was mad because Kakuzu happened to steal his pocky for his trip.

Kakuzu was placed in a genjutsu which involved his precious money burning.

* * *

**Haha! Kakuzu is done! Now I can get to Leader and Konan! *laughs evilly***

**Once again, thanks to iluvninjas and TheGirlWithNoIQ for some of the ideas!**


	7. Leader and What He Goes Through

**Ok...so I was reading my own story (yes I do that) and I noticed, that, somehow, Leader's chapter had gotten replaced with Konan's chapter, so there were two Konan chapters in a row...which was strange.**

**Which means now I have to retype Leader since it was past 90 days ago and it was hence deleted.**

**The...rather unfortunate thing is that I have no recollection of what happened other than the "Peins stuck in the door" thing...and some vague remembrance about piercings...so I have completely new ideas...**

**(Please don't kill me...)**

**Therefore, if you have read it before, please read it again...and if there was anything that was funny from the first time, please tell me...my mind is currently filled...**

***bangs head on desk***

**So far, I have wished I could go back in time in Math only about 13 times this year. Quite an improvement from last year's 24.**

* * *

Having six bodies was useful. It automatically added an extra five people to your team. But, when it came to getting through small doors...

"Move Pein!"

"No, you move, Pein!"

"Wait...you move, Pei-not now you, that Pein!"

"All of you just shrink!"

"We can't shrink, you idiot!"

"You just called yourself an idiot since I'm technically you!"

"But I insulted you too, so it's fair!"

"No it's not, you insulted me, too!"

"Well, you're at the same level as me, so no harm the-"

"FOOLISH! I am the greater Pein!"

"Who said so?!"

"I am used the most!"

"Which means you are the worst since you're used the most and worn out!"

"That makes no sense!"

"It's not supposed to!"

"It's nonsensical! I learned that from my dinosaur!"

"How'd you get a pet dinosaur?!"

"See!"

"YOU IDIOT! That's a thesaurus!"

"Which means it's a dinosaur!"

"No! It's a book!"

"Peins..."

"No, anything ending in saurus in a dinosaur!"

"Nu-uh."

"U-huh."

"Nu-uh."

"U-huh."

"Nu-uh."

"U-huh."

"_Peins_..."

"Nu-uh."

"U-huh."

"Nu-uh."

"U-huh."

"I agree with Pein one!"

"Nah, Pein two is right. Thesauruses are not dinosaurs."

"Huh."

"What, Pein three?"

"I thought it was thesauri..."

"It could be, I guess..."

"PEINS!"

"Ack!"

"Yessir!"

"What?!"

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

"Everyone...think of what Konan would say..."

"..."

"...eep."

"Oh Kami..."

"She'll make us know Pein..."

"I thought we already did..."

"But I'm still the first Pein. Since I'm the main Pein."

"Hey, that rhymed! You could be a poet and you just didn't know it!"

"Well, that rhymed too..."

"EAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Huh? Oh. Isn't that the person we were supposed to assassinate?"

"Oh yeah. Shinrai Tensei!"

"Look, we got out!"

"But now we're stuck in the door frame..."

...going through small doors didn't work so well.

* * *

Leader's favorite number in the whole wide world was six.

He had six bodies.

His favorite drink, coffee, had six letters.

His name, Leader, had six letters.

His almost-best friends, aspirin and earplugs, sadly, had seven and eight though.

Oh well. Konan had five...but so did peace...and so did Hidan and sugar...

Every number had its bad side and good side, he guessed.

He never realized that Tobi = Evil.

* * *

Ever wonder how many piercings Leader has?

It's like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop:

THE WORLD...MAY NEVER KNOW.

It doesn't stop people from trying though...except they all died.

Without anyone finding their remains.

They vanished randomly on cliffsides...

Whoever murdered them like cliffs.

And sparkles.

And was insane.

(Oh, and for the record, it took Tobi 206 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.)

* * *

In Amegakure no Sato, it rained.

And rained.

And rained.

And rained some more.

Finally, Pein got tired of the rain. He went to the middle of Ame and Shinrai Tensei'ed the rain out of the village...and straight up into the sky.

All was silent and rainless...until that giant mass of water, and then some, came crashing down...right before Pein was able to Shinrai Tensei it back up.

So, the Village Hidden in the Rain had become the Village Hidden in the Flood. Sort of.

* * *

**And that's pretty much what I recall...**


	8. Konan and Her Laugh

**It is now Konan's turn, and I am putting off my geometry homework. I will go do it later this morning, I swear!**

**And my history project and my history vocabulary.**

**I might do Sasuke as another one and Suigetsu, Juugo, and Karin as another since they were part of Akatsuki at some point...even though, frankly, I don't like Sasuke...foolish little emo avenger...**

**HAHA! I have discovered I can update stories on the phone! But it takes so much longer to type...  
**

**...I'm bored. Really. I have writers block, finished Bleach in two days...and have nothing to do. Hence, I am trying to see how long this keeps me amused...And I am rather confident that it should...  
**

**Either way...how many of you actually figured out what Itachi Rule #1 was?**

**For those who didn't, it was:**

**"Hitting below the belt when fighting men is not cheating."**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...or origami...especially since I suck at it...**

**I'm doing this at...four in the morning. Joy.**

**If you're one of the people that are reading this since I updated it, all I did was list who was taken and by who at the bottom.**

* * *

Sometimes, Konan had the sudden urge to just...scream at all the stupid sexist bastards of Akatsuki.

Except for Leader (he's Leader), Sasori (he's a puppet and only eats for the fun of it) and Itachi, who cooked himself and was actually the most decent cook after Konan (not that Leader would admit it...)

BUT HIDAN WAS JUST ANNOYING.

And, like anyone else, Konan snapped.

The next time Hidan opened his mouth, Konan whirled around and began screaming at Hidan the most colorful swearabet in the universe.

And to give you an idea, it was enough to make _Sasori_ topple out of Hiruko. That in turn scared Deidara, who exploded clay, destroying the table and causing Kakuzu to go into a rampage, who then knocked over Kisame's sushi and sent _Kisame_ into a rage at Kakuzu. Leader got mad and was soon Shinrai Tenseing all over the place and Zetsu was trying to eat Deidara for destroying his fertilizer. Tobi was jumping around adding to the chaos, and Konan and Hidan were having a swearing contest.

And Itachi calmly drank his tea until someone (no one's sure who) destroyed his cup.

That day was the biggest sale of one-way tickets to Mangekyou Sharingan La La Land.

* * *

"Hn." said Itachi to the rest of Akatsuki (except Konan) who were tied up.

No one had any idea what it meant except for Kisame, who looked horrified.

"NO!" he screamed. "PLEASE, PLEASE, ITACHI-SAN, DON'T DO IT! I PROMISE I'LL BE GOOOOOD!"

"NO! YOU SHOULD DO IT! DO IT!" chanted Konan.

"DON'T DO IT!" shouted Kisame.

"DO IT!"

"DON'T!"

"DO!"

"DON'T!"

"DO!"

"DON'T!"

"DO!"

"DON'T!"

"DO!"

"DON'T!"

"DO!"

"HN!"

Everyone shut up. Immediately.

"Hn."

"LALALALA!" said Konan.

Itachi turned to her and said,

"Hn."

Konan was quiet.

"Alright," said Leader, "Exactly what did he just say?"

Kisame looked at him in horror, and mouthed a "_WHY! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING!"_

Itachi walked off.

Konan strode forward and gave everyone the most horrifying origami experience ever concoted.

It involved a shark-eating, art-hating, peace-destroying, money-burning, no-meat-eating, lollipop destroying god who was sitting on the dead body of Jashin.

And apparently, the "god" was Itachi.

* * *

"Konan."

"Yes, Leader-sama?"

"You must work on your evil laugh."

"...Excuse me?"

Leader strode towards the TV. Observe.

Kisame laughed crazily while swinging Samehada at the camera.

Itachi stared for a moment, then suddenly smiled a big smile and laughed.

Kakuzu grinned, and let his tentacles spill out of his mouth while laughing. Then he coughed out a heart.

Hidan was covered in blood, had a few dozen donut-sized holes in him (complete with inside-out intestines), and was laughing like an insanitic while swinging a bloody and gory sycthe.

Deidara was blowing himself up and laughing hysterically.

Sasori spun various limbs around far more times than was humanly possible, with wide-open, creepy eyes, while laughing.

Pein was laughing and Shinrai Tenseing and cutting various...stuff...up.

Zetsu munched on a leg, a head, and someone's lungs vefore looking up and asking, "**Do you taste better than him?** How are you today? **Do you have less blood?** Just ignore him, please. **Because a corpse with too much blood is too metallic... **That's not very nice!"

Tobi had his Mangekyou Sharingan out in it's full **(I actually wrote fool at first) **glory and had a giant staff that he slammed down and called,

"UZUMAKI NARUTO! I WILL TAKE YOUR KYUUBI!"

Konan was rather impressive with her paper storm and all, but when she laughed, it was a happy sort of laugh.

Leader stopped the video.

"Do you see now? It looks like one of those mood swing things you have once a mon-"

"LEADER...PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" screamed Konan, laughing sadistically.

Cries of pain were heard. Zetsu slowly slid away.

"**Well, that was **very scary..."

**Konan is finished!**

**Next is a filler chapter, then Zetsu, then Tobi, then Duck-Butt-Emo-Bastard, then Suigetsu, Jugo, and Karin all rolled into one.**

**I am creating a fillerish chapter where I bring other fellow fanfictioneters with me to annoy the Akatsuki in general.**

**If you would like to join the trip, please review and state:**

**Your pen name/user name/author name**

**Which Akatsuki member you will annoy and how**

**If you would like to be referred to as a he or a she (this is optional, since I don't want to offend anyone by accidently saying that someone's a he when it's actually a she or vice versa)**

**If you are bringing any weapons of choice (if you choose not to, a giant mushroom is provided at your convenience (lucky members may get a Mario Mushroom and grow big!) and that is it)**

**ALERT: Signups will end on December 15, 2012. **

**Byaku~ (Ha! I can type that squiggly thing!)**

**Update:The following spots are taken:**

**Sasori (iluvninjas)**

**Deidara (PinkFluffyUnicorns)**

**Kakuzu (SaphiraEragon)**

**Hidan (TheGirlWithNoIQ)**

**Tobi (Colorful Concoction)**

**I'm just gonna annoy whoever isn't taken. If there are not enough people to help annoy Akatsuki, we're gonna annoy two people...which just puts us in more danger.**

**Not that we aren't in danger already.**


	9. Annoying the Akatsuki

**Today, on our trip to annoy the Akatsuki, there will be:**

**iluvninjas, who is annoying Sasori. She's armed with a sword that can shoot fire (fire + wood = DUN DUN DUNNN!). Although I'm pretty sure it can spray pepper spray too. She's also carrying mirrors, which are supposed to beat Itachi...**

**TheGirlWithNoIQ, who is annoying Hidan. She's gonna put him in a fashion show, complete with ridiculous clothes _and_ hair. And she's bringing a chainsaw.**

**PinkFluffyUnicorns, who will be poking Deidara and asking annoying questions. Surprisingly, she's using pink fluffy unicorns as a weapon.**

**Colorful Concoction, who'll annoy Tobi(Jashin, even _I_ can't annoy Tobi...) and wielding a magical spork-wand that will poke people. Not to mention that Itachi will have an extremely embarrassing moment...**

**SaphiraEragon, who will annoy Kakuzu. She's armed with Pikachu and Charizard. Personally, I think that's as effective as pepper spray...or maybe more effective...**

**Envyyyy here is annoying Kisame. She's lucky to have barely gotten in, and to reward her luckiness I have provided her with a spare giant hammer.**

**And me, Byakusharinnegan. I'm annoying (or at least trying) all bodies of Pein simultaneously. I'm armed with the giant hammer I used before and...I ate 25% of my leftover Halloween candy before arriving. (Don't worry! I brought the rest to share!)**

**Itachi's my helper...so we're not annoying him.**

**Hn.**

**-Itachi**

**I don't own Naruto. If I did, do you really think Itachi would be dead?**

**I think that we're all gonna have to go into hiding...again.**

* * *

The Akatsuki were having the most peaceful day they ever had ever since a crazy girl named "Byaku" had jumped in (literally) and began wreaking havoc in their lives.

That lasted for a grand total of 5 waking minutes.

A sharp blade suddenly went through the door, before moving in an arc and cutting down the door.

"You know, I could have just used Charizard, right?"

"But I acted first."

The Akatsuki ran outside and tried to hide, but it didn't work so well.

"DEIDARA! I FOUND YOU!" PinkFluffyUnicorns charged straight in and latched onto the bomber.

"WHAT THE HELL, UHN!" screamed Deidara as he whipped around, trying to grab PinkFluffyUnicorns and not succeeding.

Everyone stared.

iluvninjas seized the opportunity.

"Sasori! You are coming with me!"

"Hell no." Sasori sent a puppet at iluvninjas, who easily swiped her sword at it and burned it. Sasori stared. And turned around. And ran back into the hideout.

Everyone watched that, too. Occasionally, a long bump would appear when iluvninjas swung her sword and missed. There would also be a Sasori-shaped-imprint in the wall if she managed to hit him. Sasori was constantly switching new bodies.

And she hit him a lot more than she missed.

* * *

_With SaphiraEragon..._

"That will hurt a lot..." muttered SaphiraEragon. She suddenly nodded. "Right! Kakuzu! Come with me!"

"Give me one reason why."

"If you don't, Charizard will burn your money..."

"Ok. Where are we going?"

"To get ice cream."

"No. I am not buying ice crea-"

"PIKACHU! THUNDERBOLT!" **(I really have close to no idea on abilities of Pokemon, so I just researched this stuff.)**

"KAKDFHLIAHVN!"

"Now, what is your answer?"

"Yes. I will buy you ice cream."

"Good. Let's go."

* * *

_With TheGirlWithNoIQ..._

"So how the hell does this relate to Jashin?" asked Hidan as he watched TheGirlWithNoIQ unseal countless shirts, pants, jackets, and a bunch of stuff he couldn't figure out.

"It's fine, Hidan! It'll work out! Just sit still."

"Fine, fine..." Hidan grumbled. TheGirlWithNoIQ quickly allowed herself an evil grin before applying a lot of hair spray.

* * *

_With Byaku..._

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

Bonk.

Bang.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Every time there was a "Bang", Byaku missed.

Every time there was a "Bonk", Byaku hit one of the six bodies of Pein.

And she was having a hell of a time doing it.

The Peins had been trapped in a metal room (originally Orochimaru's "secret in-base hideout") and were currently running around like headless chickens - immortal, screaming headless chickens.

Each Pein, when he/she was hit, would flatten out, anime style, before popping back out and continuing to run.

This was gonna take a while...

* * *

_With SaphiraEragon..._

SaphiraEragon was happy eating ice cream. At least, until the ice cream place was destroyed.

"Kakuzu!"

"Yes?" asked Kakuzu irritably.

"Who destroyed the ice cream shop?"

Kakuzu stared. "I think that was...yep, that's Sasuke."

"Torture him!"

"...Eh?"

SaphiraEragon gestured wildly at the retreating duck-butt-haired figure.

"I said, torture him! He destroyed my ice cream! Now go!"

"Yes, yes..."

SaphiraEragon watched him leave.

Then she said, "He's gone...what will I do now?"

The answer was quite simple.

"Find Kakuzu!"

* * *

_With Colorful Concoction..._

"MWAHAHAHA!"

Colorful Concoction was quite happy.

She was currently poking Tobi's mask. This would make his mask a hypnotic-ish.

Colorful quickly hid behind a chair while Tobi bounced into the room, a towel held over his face.

"Ah! Here's Tobi's mask! Now Tobi can help Deidara-sempai-ooh swirlies!"

Colorful quickly ran up.

"Tobi. Can you hear me?"

"Yes...Tobi can hear you..."

"Good. Now when I say, "Go!", you will obey my every command, kay?"

"Okay..."

"Go!"

"What do you want Colorful?"

"Hm...I want you to go the Sasuke at tell him that his hair looks like a duck's butt. And before that, give me a videocamera. And bring me to Sasuke."

"Ok!"

* * *

_With Envyyyy..._

"Come on Kisame! Just drink it!"

"If I drink it, will you leave me along?"

"Er...yes?"

"Fine."

Kisame grudgingly chugged down the soup. Surprisingly, it tasted pretty good.

"What was it?"

Envyyyy grinned evilly. "Shark fin soup."

Kisame fainted.

"Huh. That was a joke...it was actually chicken noodle soup. I thought you'd be able to figure it out..."

* * *

_With Colorful Concoction..._

"SASUKE!" screamed Tobi as he barreled down towards the younger Uchiha, Colorful sitting on the branch behind him. Earlier, they had met a grumpy Kakuzu, who muttered something about a "stupid Saphiragon" or something like that.

Sasuke turned to the orange-masked man.

"What?"

"SASUKE-SAN-KUN-SEMPAI-SAMA-SENSEI! GUESS WHAT!"

"Hn."

"YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE A DUCK BUTT!"

A tick mark appeared on Sasuke's head.

Tobi suddenly gasped.

"Sasuke-kun! Your name has "uke" in it! Does that mean you're gay?"

Sasuke punched Tobi, who fell down and bounced right up.

"SASUKE-KUN! IF YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE A DUCK BUTT, IS YOUR HEAD A DUCK?"

The look on Sasuke's face was a blown up version of:

O.O

And Colorful was recording it all.

She decided that she might as well save Tobi; after all, it took too long to find someone else to hypnotize. So she walked up and poked Sasuke with her magic spork and told Tobi to stop.

That was when it all went to hell.

Sasuke began acting like a duck.

* * *

_With iluvninjas..._

Sasori was still dodging.

"What (swing) the (swing) hell (swing) is (swing swing slice) wrong with you?!" the puppet master was practically screaming out.

"I (swing) don't (swing) think (swing) there is (swing swing) anything wrong with me (slice hit bonk) but this is fun!" came the answer.

"...I hate my life..."

* * *

_With Byaku..._

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Bonk.

Byaku was getting better at this. It was like Whack-a-Mole, after all.

* * *

_With TheGirlWithNoIQ..._

Hidan walked down the runaway...in some weird outfit that looked like a combination between Killer Bee, Zaraki Kenpachi, Abarai Renji, Harry Potter, and the First Hokage, of all things.

And while Hidan hated it (he had to wear a shirt) everyone else obsessed over it and patted him on the head and told him what a good boy he was with looking cute.

Hidan was helpless. All he could do was take it and glare at TheGirlWithNoIQ with his Hidan Death Glare. Which was not as effective as an Uchiha Death Glare and did not affect TheGirlWithNoIQ at all.

"Good job Hidan! Now, let's move on to the next one!" TheGirlWithNoIQ held up a very frilly tuxedo that was pink.

"Hell no."

"Hell yes."

* * *

_And with Colorful..._

Alright, it was official. Sasuke was gonna kill her.

But Colorful could figure that out later. After all, when did an Uchiha ever act like a duck?

"Quack." Duck-Sasuke said as he flapped his arm-wings and hopped around.

"Yay! Ducky!" Tobi said, clapping his hands in glee.

"Quack!" Duck-Sasuke ran from Tobi and towards the nearest lake...which happened to be in Fire Country.

Colorful jumped on Tobi. "Giddyup Tobi! We've got a Sasuke-Duck to catch!"

"Yes ma'am!"

* * *

_With Envyyyy..._

Kisame slowly opened his eyes.

"Ah. You're awake."

"GAAH! YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO FED ME SHARK FIN SOUP!"

"...That was chicken noodle soup, you idiot."

"Oh..."

"I have a job for you."

"Can I refuse?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because, by the power of the author and her friends, you are forbidden to revolt full-scale. Among other stuff...blah blah blah. Why did Byaku write all this stuff anyways?"

**(A/N: I didn't. I had Itachi do it - on threat of pepper spray. Yes, I admit the usefulness of pepper spray.)**

"So...what's the job?"

"I get Samehada until we leave."

"Er...fine." Kisame knew that Samehada would injure all except him and occasionally Itachi. So he was surprised when Envyyyy hefted it up and swung it - and took down half the hallway.

"Whoops."

Kisame headwalled. **(It's facepalming with a head and a wall.)**

"But then again...this is kinda fun!"

* * *

_With PinkFluffyUnicorns..._

"Why did you choose to have your hair like that? Why do you have mouths on your hands? Do you brush your hands' teeth? Do you use separate toothbrushes for them all? What kind of toothpaste do you use? Do you even use toothpaste? Can you taste with your hand mouths? Do your hand mouths get cavities? What does clay taste like?"

"JUST GET OFF ME, YOU CRAZY LITTLE BI-"

"BAD DEIDARA! WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! KIDS ARE WATCHING!"

"Um...there isn't anyone, uhn."

"Yes there is. You see that person?"

"Uhn."

"Good. That person is a random person we dragged along to help film this for future blackmail. Her name is Nachi and she is recording all of this, so-"

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME! UHN!"

"Everything! Now answer my questions!"

"NO! UHN!"

"THEN I WILL MAKE YOU!" PinkFluffyUnicorns sent her...uh...pink fluffy unicorns to get Deidara, who screamed and flew away. PinkFluffyUnicorns and Nachi jumped on the unicorns and flew after them (yes, unicorns can fly. How else do they walk on rainbows?).

* * *

_With iluvninjas..._

"Alright. I admit defeat." muttered Sasori.

"Good! Now let's take a picture together with this sign!"

The picture showed a grinning iluvninjas with a mad Sasori holding a sign that said, "I face off against a fire-breathing sword and lost."

* * *

_With Byaku..._

Byaku stared at the unconscious bodies of Pein.

"I have created Pein Pancakes...now how the hell do I get out of here?"

CRASH!

Envyyyy's Samehada made a hole in wall.

Byaku jumped out.

"Envyyyy! Look! I made Pein Pancakes!"

"Er...that's nice..."

"Bye! I need to go before they turn back into Pein!"

"Bye..."

* * *

_With PinkFluffyUnicorns..._

Status: Deidara captured.

Location: Heading back towards Akatsuki hideout.

Mission: Accomplished. Plenty of black mail. Ready to leave.

* * *

_With SaphiraEragon..._

After three hours worth of Kakuzu buying SaphiraEragon plenty of stuff, SaphiraEragon concluded that she had enough and decided to leave.

"Kakuzu! Carry me back!"

"Yes..."

* * *

_With TheGirlWithNoIQ..._

Hidan had been dressed in...

A pink frilly tuxedo

A pengun costume

An Itachi costume

A pumpkin

Elvis

A lamp

And a bunch of other things that we didn't bother to write since we forgot.

But now Hidan was in a Santa outfit and tied to a chair while TheGirlWithNoIQ ran off.

* * *

**QUICK STATUS UPDATE:**

**ALL ARE CURRENTLY ESCAPING TOWARDS MAGICAL AUTHOR PORTAL.**

* * *

_With the Akatsuki..._

__"Everyone! We're going after them!"

The Akatsuki (and Sasuke) shouted their approval and charged after the retreating group.

"Hey," said Kisame. "Where's Itachi-san?"

Where was Itachi? Well, he was sitting in his Itachi Hideout, drinking tea.

* * *

The Akatsuki, using their awesome ninjas running skills, caught up.

TheGirlWithNoIQ immediately whipped out her chainsaw and began attacking Hidan, since he was immortal.

iluvninjas was blasting pepper spray everywhere. Byaku, Colorful, Envyyyy, and SaphiraEragon were relatively safe because of pink fluffy unicorns.

And then someone tripped and sent the entire group through the portal.

* * *

"Well," said Byaku, "I guess since we're back and we're all alive, we should probably run and go into hiding.

Everyone nodded before getting the hell out of the area.

* * *

**Wow...that was, like, twice the length of all the other chapters...**

**Either way...everyone who participated, I advise you to hide. Isn't that right, Itachi?**

**Itachi - You do know I could be passing information on to the Akatsuki, right?**

**Byaku~ - Yeah, but why would you?**

**Itachi - Good point...**

**Well, see you next time, everyone! It's Zetsu's turn!**


	10. Zetsu's Family History

**Hi! I'm back, and I'm so annoyed even Itachi is scared of me...oh dear...**

**-_-"**

**Itachi: Are you really that sure Neji died?**

**Yes, Itachi. His caged bird seal thing disappeared. And he was hit with that attack while trying to protect Hinata (oh god! I almost typed Hidan! *shudders*) who was trying to protect Naruto.**

**Itachi: Hn...**

**But, I have now been able to predict the plotline of Naruto...**

**Itachi: Really? *skeptical look***

**Yup! You see, Obito ends up killing some more shinobi, Naruto beats sense into him, Obito goes over to the good side and revives the shinobi he killed and helps defeat Madara before dying himself.**

**Itachi: Please ignore her, she's just really mad that Neji died.**

**I. AM. NOT. MAD. **

**Itachi: Yes, yes she is...I pity Zetsu. She's going to take out her frustration on annoying him.**

**Zetsu: What?**

**OI! ZETSU! GET OVER HERE NOW!**

* * *

Fertilizer.

It's a 10 letter word that's one of the most important components (hey, components has ten letters too!) in Zetsu's life (Zetsu's life has ten letters if you don't count the apostrophe).

Well, there's also:

Human Parts (also ten letters...if you don't count the space)

And...

Keeping Tobi in Check (which is most definitely not ten letters).

Zetsu had a very specific type of fertilizer he used that was created specially for him out of kindness (*cough threatening to eat the gardener cough*) in the heart of Grass Country.

Heart, as in a heart shaped piece of land.

Zetsu liked hearts.

They tasted good.

Even if they were a lot bloodier than other parts.

Which was why he had a special method to eat them:

* * *

ZETSU'S GUIDE TO ENJOYING HUMAN HEARTS

Welcome! Today we will show you how to **rip people's hearts out and devour them while the victims are still alive!**

No we are not! This is a cooking guide, remember?

**Oh yeah.**

Let's continue.

Step 1: Kill the person, preferably by clean beheading, and make sure that the chest cavity is not damaged. **If it is, you can kill another. There's plenty to go around.** That was not nice! **Shut up.**

Step 2: Cut out the heart carefully, be careful to cut any arteries and veins as close to the heart as possible without damaging it. **Remember, hearts are disposable. If it comes to it, steal a heart from Kakuzu.** That's not very nice either! **Right. Take a heart from Tobi instead.** Black Zetsu!

Step 3: Carefully drain out all blood. **You have to be careful to drain _all_ of it. Even if it means you have to wash it in a nearby lake.** But make sure the lake water is clean.

Step 4: Carefully slit the heart open and fill any empty cavities with your preferred stuffing. **Leftover Thanksgiving stuffing would work.** That wouldn't work. It's almost Christmas! Who still has Thanksgiving stuffing? **...Me.**

Step 5: Roast the heart over a fire, adding honey every five minutes or so. Continue this until the heart (and stuffing!) are completely cooked through and are sweetened by honey. **This is why you drain the blood. Honey and blood taste like-** Be quiet!

Step 6: Eat it. **No complaints about that.**

* * *

"Zetsu...what is this?" asked Pein.

"My recipe for **eating human hearts**."

O::O "I think I'll just leave now..."

* * *

Is Zetsu a venus flytrap, aloe vera, or palm tree?

Well...the answer is...

HE'S A MUTANT ALIEN!

No. That's not it.

Zetsu belongs to the family _Carnivorous Plantus_, a special family of plants which, generally include venus flytraps, but specifically include human-flesh-consuming plants.

And that's his father's side.

Zetsu's mother belongs to the family _Polypersonalitus_, a family who generally has two personalities, on on each side of the head.

Now you know Zetsu's family history, use the Punnet Square to determine the chances of another Zetsu being born. Let _Carnivorous Plantus_ be XX, the dominant allele, and _Polypersonalitus_ be xx, the recessive allel.

...I'll let you figure what all those complicated sciency stuff means.

* * *

Now, we go back to fertilizer.

Every winter, Zetsu goes and buys 50 pounds of fertilizer every day for two weeks. When spring comes, he shuts himself away in his Zetsu Hideout for about 2 months before coming out again.

Why?

It's because Zetsu, surprisingly, does pollinate.

(I'll wait for you to get over your shock.)

Alright. Shaken yourself up? Well, next topic.

Zetsu's flowers are orange.

(That shock will wear off soon.)

And...the flowers may bear fruit. Also known as...

_Jucius Bitter Cookius_

AKA: The Bitter Juicy Cookies, named for it's bitter taste, juicy texture, and cookie appearance.

(Don't worry. Shocks of these caliber aren't fatal...usually.)

* * *

**...I think I'm done now...I'm going to go off and try to pretend Neji didn't die. Itachi, I leave this to you. *walks off***

**Er...Right. Since Byaku has left off to go and angst *dodges giant hammer* I will finish this.**

**We sincerely apologize for Byaku being in such a bad mood, as Neji is her...third favorite Naruto male character of all time, preceded by me and Sasori. **

***comes back* Because they're fun to poke. And also, you barely smile.**

***pushes Itachi away***

**Ok, I'm back. And next is Tobi. If you would like Tobi to do something humorous, please review and I shall credit you!**

**Actually, I've lost a lot of brain cells over math, and am using up imagination...**

**Byaku~**


	11. Have A Crazy, Tobi Christmas

**In honor of the Christmas spirit, Tobi will now bring Christmas cheer to the Akatsuki. Right, Tobi?**

**Tobi: Yes! Deidara-sempai needs a lot of cheer!**

**Ok, Tobi! *gives shiny ornaments* Go decorate the Akatsuki with these!**

**Tobi: Yay!**

**And that is where my evil plan begins...**

**I have nothing against fangirls. Remember that. This is purely for humor.**

* * *

As Christmas arrived, Tobi noticed that none of the Akatsuki seemed to be happy about it.

In fact, they didn't even seem to care.

A more accurate term would be:

They extremely dislike it.

Because it usually meant fangirls.

And fangirl presents were weird...

* * *

_Flashback_

_Itachi held up a giant cookie that had a picture of Sasuke on it. After some consideration, he decided that the tire-sized cookies that was covered with 3 tons of various frosting and showered with 52 pounds of sugar was not worth eating. So he gave it to Tobi._

_That was Secret Base #34 of Fire Country's ticket to demolition._

_Once they got to Secret Base #21 of Wind Country, Sasori discovered a "Easy-Bake Oven" in his mailbox. He gave that to Tobi, who immediately decided to make cupcakes, which blew that base up too._

_At Secret Base #99 of Earth Country, the Tsuchikage discovered Deidara, who blew up the base in surprise. It was later discovered that Deidara's present was a Play-Doh set._

* * *

So yes, Christmas resulted in destroyed bases.

But Tobi was determined to bring Christmas spirit to everyone.

* * *

First Idea: Pruning Zetsu

Suggested By: NarutoRox

Tobi thought that Zetsu could be a Christmas tree. He just needed a haircut. So Tobi got out a pair of gardening shears and went snip snip snip all night long.

Result:

A Zetsu, which will looking vaguely (key word: vaguely) like a Christmas tree, that was very pissed off. He looked like a Christmas tree if you squinted and turned your head at a 52 degree angle before spinning like crazy and looking through 3-D glasses.

* * *

Second Idea: Making Itachi Smile

Suggested By: Nachi

Tobi thought that in accordance with the holiday spirit, Itachi should smile.

Result:

Some rather extreme violence that we'd rather not show.

* * *

Third Idea: Buying Fish for Kisame

Suggested By: Owl

Tobi thought that fish would cheer kisame up.

Result:

Why hasn't anyone told Tobi that fish need water to survive?

* * *

Fourth Idea: Making Deidara Look Like a Boy

Suggested By: A friend who's name I can't tell

Tobi wanted to do this for some unknown reason.

Result:

Bases #12, 67, and 80 were destroyed by exploding clay.

* * *

Fifth Idea: Implanting LED lights into Sasori's puppet Hiruko

Suggested By: That voice in my head that gives me advice.

Tobi thought that doing so would cause Hiruko to glow like a rainbow, further enhancing the Christmas cheer.

Result:

Wood is highly flammable. Too much heat can cause fire. Wood plus fire equals burn. Burned up Hiruko equals angry Sasori. Angry Sasori equals destruction of Bases #2, 49, and 71.

* * *

After that, Tobi got sick with the flu. **(K, peoples, this is building off TheGirlWithNoIQ's idea)**

This caused him to see The Light.

The Light was a wonderful thing. It showed him the way to truly make the Akatsuki accept Christmas.

The Light told Tobi that Tobi was destined to spread The Light throughout the world. The Light would make everything alright.

The Light would make Itachi smile. The Light would erase hatred from Sasuke. The Light would fix Hiruko and revive Kisame-sempai's dead fish. The Light would fix Deidara-sempai's hair and Zetsu-san's Venus Flytrap and turn it into a real Christmas tree. The Light would fix all the destroyed bases.

The Light could even make Leader-sama's dead best friend come back to light.

Yes, The Light was truly a wonderful thing.

Plus, The Light was very kind. In exchange for all of this, The Light only wanted Tobi to glomp as many people as he could.

Tobi would follow The Light. The Light was The Light, and The Light is never wrong.

...Right?

* * *

"Deidara-sempai!"

Deidara turned.

"Tobi? Aren't you supposed to be in bed, uhn?"

"Deidara-sempai! This is no time for bed. Tobi must follow The Light. The Light is very important for Christmas, Deidara-sempai. Now don't move."

"Tobi, what the he-"

GLOMP.

Tobi went off on his way, ignorant of the paralyzed-in-shock Deidara.

* * *

"Itachi-sempai! Kisame-sempai!"

"Oh, hey Tobi!"

"..."

"Don't move, both of you!"

"Huh?"

"...?"

DOUBB-ER, SINGLE GLOMP.

Despite what Tobi said, Itachi chose to move instead. Tobi immediately jumped up.

"Itachi-sempai! The Light is not happy. The Light says that you must be glomped. Otherwise, The Light says, you will not be happy."

"..."

"Now, stay still!"

Itachi continued to move. Finally, Kakuzu and Hidan came walking, arguing.

"Kakuzu-sempai! Hidan-sempai! The Light doesn't want you to move!"

The two looked up just in time to see a successful double-glomp.

Tobi ran off, leaving a cursing Jashinist and a paralyzed miser to their fate.

* * *

Tobi and The Light were successful in glomping the rest of the Akatsuki (except Itachi, who had run off to Jashin knows where *cough Byaku's computer cough*)

So Tobi focused on bringing The Light to Konoha and Suna and Kiri and Kumo and Kusa and Oto and Iwa and Taki and Hoshi and all the other villages that Tobi forgot and The Light did not know of.

Tobi even spread The Light to Shukaku-sempai and Matabi-sempai and Isobu-sempai and Son Goku-sempai and Kokuo-sempai and Saiken-sempai and Choumei-sempai. Gyuki-sempai and Kurama-sempai had already had The Light.

Now, all he had to do was wait and let The Light do whatever The Light was supposed to do.

* * *

"OI! TOBI! WAKE UP, UHN! IT'S TIME TO OPEN THE PRESENTS, UHN!"

"Eh? Deidara-sempai...WHERE'S THE LIGHT?"

Deidara looked at Tobi. "What's the light, uhn?"

"Not 'the light'. 'The Light.' It must have left...Tobi must have done something wrong..."

"Whatever, uhn. Come on, or we're opening the presents without you, uhn."

* * *

For the curious:

The presents were:

Itachi: A pair of goggles that reminded him of Uncle Obito.

Kisame: Fish to replace the ones Tobi killed.

Hidan: A first-aid kit.

Kakuzu: Money.

Pein: A voucher saying "One free quart of tailed-beast chakra".

Konan: Colored and patterned paper.

Zetsu: (censored)

Tobi: A box of candles, which he promptly named "The Light".

* * *

**And we're done with Tobi!**

**There will be Sasuke, and then a Suigetsu-Karin-Juugo chapter, and Akatsuki Mishaps will be finished. **

**Review and tell me if I should make a sequel, something like "Konoha Mishaps" or something like that.**

**Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!**

**Byaku~ and Itachi (wait, why are you here, Itachi?)**


	12. Orochimaru the PedoBear

**HI!**

**Guess what!**

**So I was typing the chapter for Sasuke, and halfway through it, I realized,**

**"I FORGOT OROCHI-PEDOBEAR!"**

**Hence the reason I am typing this now.**

**I'm just venting my frustration about that stupid proof I screwed up on. The answer was so easy I didn't see it...**

**Neji still hasn't come back to life yet...it seems as if Kishimoto intends to keep him dead...why couldn't it have been Sakura? That would have made Naruto give a more angered response. BUT I'M STICKING TO MY THEORY TO THE VERY END!**

**Neji had better come back to life. I like Sasori, and now he's dead, I like Deidara, and now he's dead, I like Minato and Kushina, but they died a long time ago, I like Itachi, but he was dead too (in the manga and anime world...not fanfiction!), Obito was awesome, but then he went and turned all...evillish, I actually liked Sakura for a full 3 seconds...until I saw that she liked Sasuke.**

**What's with awesome people dying these days?**

**Itachi is not here since he bears an extreme hatred of Orochimaru. I think he's somewhere in Kiri, where he's beating Orochimaru up. He should be back soon.**

**Random Fact:**

**I am now addicted to wintergreen Icebreakers! Whooooo!**

***hyperness is taking hold of me***

* * *

Rule 1 of the Orochimaru-is-Awesome Base/Hideout/Headquarters/Whatever-the-heck-this-is:

Do not, and I repeat, do not, call Ororchimaru "Medusa".

It guarantees a painful death.

This painful death is worse that Tsunade's pervert-punch.

Yes.

In fact, I'll show you what happened to Kisame:

*extremely violent video involving giant hammers is shown*

Do you see now? Giant hammers are not good. They can make Pein Pancakes. Or Kisame Cakes. Or something worse. Like what happens to that goomba-mushroom-thingy from Mario when you jump on it.

But that's not the point.

Either way, while Medusa does have a head of snakes and Orochimaru is obsessed with snakes, Ororchimaru does not turn people into stone when he looks at them. Be very happy. If he did, then just about everybody would be dead by now.

That probably goes for Voldemort as well.

* * *

Orochimaru first received the title of "pedobear" when he tried to kidnap Sasuke. Screw that stuff about Itachi hating Sasuke, that genius freaking _loved_ his little brother.

Even if said little brother could be described perfectly with the words "emo duck-butt of hatred".

But it's the thought that counts, right?

So, little Itachi-kun was _not_ happy about Orochimaru kidnapping his cute foolish little brother. He was even less happy (going from Uchiha brooding mad to fire-in-eyes mad) when he discovered that Orochimaru had given his cute foolish little brother a FREAKING HICKEY.

Itachi stormed out from the hideout once he heard the news, intent on sending Orochimaru to the land of the dead for once and for all.

He stormed out of the hideout at 3 in the morning. And failed, since he forgot that he slept in the same room as another paranoid S-class missing nin.

Namely, Kisame.

Kisame was not pleased that the 17 year old _child_ (who was not even legally allowed to drink, even though he had done so...12 times) was walking out of the hideout at 3 in the morning. So, he walked up behind Itachi, and was greeted by five kunai aimed at his chest, head, neck, abdomen...and nether regions.

"Itachi-san. Kindly tell me exactly _why_ you are leaving at 3 in the morning."

"...Hn." Itachi turned his head away.

"I. Ta. Chi. San." said Kisame, who, while understanding Uchiha speak (sort of), didn't get why Itachi wanted to go see dumplings with peach hats go on a roller coaster ride.

"...Orochimaru. Sasuke. Kill."

"Alright. I'm coming with you, Itachi-san."

"?!"

"Yes. After all, I have not forgiven Orochimaru for beating me up with hammers.

"Hn."

"No, I don't know if camels eat blueberries!"

"I didn't say that."

"Eh?"

"I said, it was like that time that person came and swung a fire sword at Sasori."

Kisame turned his head to see the Sasori-shaped imprint on the wall next the them.

"...Are you sure Konoha won't accept us back? I heard those Yamanaka can erase memories."

* * *

_About an hour later (they stopped for 15 minutes to get coffee)_

"OROCHIMARU! I FOUND YOU!" Itachi burst into the hideout/headquarters/base/village thingy.

Orochimaru looked up, and said, "Why is it that when I chase you, you run, but when I am running, you are chasing me?"

Orochimaru mentally patted himself on the back for watching Hetalia: Axis Powers.

Itachi looked up and said,

"I suppose it is because we are playing the missing nin version of tag."

Orochimaru now hated himself for watching Hetalia. If he had just stuck to his "How to be Evil: A Book Every Self-Aspiring Super Villian Should Read" and that chapter which said, "Evil Opening Phrases" then he wouldn't be in this mess.

"Either way, what is your purpose? Perhaps you have come to have your body be stole-"

"I'M GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE UNDERWORLD, YOU PEDOBEAR!"

Orochimaru stared as the cool, calm, and collected Uchiha genius screamed out.

That was rather...unexpected.

And now, seeing as the elder brother had kunai, shuriken _and_ fifteen swords out ready to kill him with along with a chakra-consuming-sword-wielding partner ready to kill him, _and_ the Mangekyou Sharingan was activated, Orochimaru decided to escape.

And while escape he did, it was discovered that Itachi had somehow managed to attach a sign to Orochimaru's head that said "WARNING: PEDOBEAR ALERT" in big, flashy neon pink colors.

Which is why Kabuto decided to inject the remains of Orochimaru into himself rather than bringing Orochimaru back to life.

* * *

**And that's it for Orochimaru...Sasuke should be up on Monday. I hope. I have science midterms next week, though.**

**Ah, look! Itachi's back!**

**Hi, Itachi! How'd it go?**

**Itachi: *smiles wildly before walking off***

**Okaaay...I think we'll just leave it at that...**


	13. Sasuke's Terrible Plan

**Here is Sasuke's chapter! Itachi is also featured in this!**

**Due to Sasuke's attempt of drugging Itachi backfiring...**

**I have to study for the spelling bee...but I didn't want to take part in the first place...**

**I have started watching Clannad, Hetalia: Axis Powers, Hetalia: World Series, and reading Fullmetal Alchemist and One Piece while continuing to watch the second season of Black Butler.**

**Fortunately, I stopped watching Black Butler season 2 for one reason:**

**That stupid Alois Trancy bastard and his stupid tap-dancing butler Claude.**

**Yes. I hate them. I hate them so much.**

**They made it to the top of my "Anime Characters I Hate" list in less than 5 seconds.**

**It even beats Orochimaru and Danzo.**

**I find that rather horrifying.**

**But I was cheered up when I watched this part from Hetalia:**

**America: *shows plane with ridiculous design* So, England, what do you think?**

**England: Wow! What a *cough stupid cough* design! Only you could be capable of that, *cough stupid cough* America!**

**America: Good! Part of the reason I built it was the beat the crap out of you!**

**England: O_O**

**Random soldier: *whispers into America's ear* Wasn't that top secret?**

**America: ^.^" Oh yeah!**

* * *

Sasuke laughed evilly (this time without coughing) as he carefully created the potion that was guaranteed to caused the drinker to have a sudden personality , at least that's what Kabuto said. Kabuto could be trusted to a very small degree (about the same as Sasuke trusted yaoi fangirls) so Sasuke hoped that it did not turn Itachi into Lee when he drank fifteen bottles of sake straight from the bottle. Nonstop.

NO! REPRESS THOSE MEMORIES!

Sometimes Sasuke wondered if maybe he should just give himself up and promise to repopulate the clan and blah blah blah just so he could have his memories of that time erased by a Yamanaka.

But...Sasuke held up the rainbow potion that gave off a disturbingly shiny sheen. This was going to work. Sasuke confidently walked off, not noticing that he had forgotten to read the third line of the potion ingredients.

* * *

Somewhere in the Harry Potter universe, Harry sneezed. This caused him to knock over his dried billywig stings, earning him a lecture and loss of 5 house points of Snape. Harry sighed.

* * *

"And what are you doing here, foolish little bro-"

Sasuke shoved the potion into Itachi's mouth. Itachi's face grew pale for a second, then slowly changed. Sasuke realized that he was seeing the same facial expression he saw in his brother when he was 3 and Itachi 8.

Itachi suddenly gave Sasuke a great big hug.

And bonked him on the head.

"Sasuke! You idiot! Didn't I tell you that if you tried to kick Shisui into the river, then you'd end up falling in too since you couldn't keep your balance?!"

Sasuke stared. Didn't that happen, like, 12 years ago or something?

"But no, you insisted! If it really bothered you that much, then you should have done something less dangerous and more Uchihaish, and yes that's a word, and instead threw a kunai at him instead! And Shisui's a jounin! He can tell if a kunai's coming towards him!"

Ooookaaaay. Sasuke was officially freaked out. Itachi had begun turning into a living statue at about 11, when he went into ANBU. Before that, he was the most caring older brother you could ever want.

Now he was going back into that.

Itachi suddenly stopped.

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps Itachi was going back to his living statue self?

"Sasuke. You must change your hairstyle. Now."

Hell no. It was annoying enough with a duck/chicken/whatever-bird-it-was hairstyle, but actually going to the hairdressers? No.

"I'm not going." Sasuke muttered. Itachi ignored him. Finally Sasuke had to use his secret weapon.

"Itachi-niiiii..." Itachi turned, to see a pleading little brother...that was 16 and using puppy eyes remarkably well.

"Itachi-nii! We're not going to the hairdressers!"

Itachi chuckled. "Of course not. I'm getting Sasori to help do your hair."

Maybe he should have gone to the hairdresser instead.

* * *

Five hours later, Sasuke had gone through a variety of hair styles, such as:

A Rock Lee Bowlcut

A Maito Gai Bowlcut (which is worse than the Rock Lee version)

A hairstyle that looked suspiciously like Kagamine Len's

A mohawk

A rainbow afro that looked like a clown

A drill

A Zaraki Kenpachi hairstyle

A Harry Potter hairstyle

A hairstyle that made him look as if there was a hand growing out of his head

A hairstyle that...well...gave him a face on the back of his head

And finally, a head of hair cut in the style of a top hat. And a mustache was stuck on his face for added effect, along like one of those eyeglass-on-a-chain things with a cane.

Sasuke hit Itachi with that cane. Itachi dodged it and brandished a lamppost.

Ok. Itachi had won this round.

* * *

Sasuke hated the Hyuugas.

Reason 1 was because, well, the Uchiha and Hyuuga were the strongest. Not just the Uchiha, but both the Uchiha and the Hyuuga.

It was supposed to be just the Uchiha.

Reason 2, was,

HALF THE CLAN WAS ALLERGIC TO TOMATOES!

Yes. Of all the things to be allergic to, it was tomatoes.

It didn't help that the other half hated onigiri.

That was probably the reason why the Hokage did not have the Hyuugas raise Sasuke.

Another reason was probably the fact that the elders would have Hiashi brand Sasuke with the curse seal. That wasn't good either.

But maybe it was for the best. If not, then Sasuke might have added to Hinata's inconfidence, like the Hyuugas were angry that an outsider (and one of the Uchihas, even) was stronger than the heiress.

Since, after all, the Hyuugas wanted it that just the Hyuugas were the strongest. Not the Uchiha.

* * *

**Sasuke's chapter is done!**

**After this is a Karin-Juugo-Suigestu chapter, and I believe this story will be finished.**

**Now, you have a choice. Do you want a:**

**Konoha Mishaps**

**or a**

**Five Kage Mishaps**

**or a**

**Story that brings funny moments of whatever ninja I can think of?**

**Review and tell me!**

**Byaku~**

**P.S. Yes! I can spell embarrassing now!**


	14. The Cursed Diary of Team Hawk

**This is the Suigetsu-Karin-Juugo chapter!**

**...And now I have a feeling that I listed the names in a different order every time I mentioned it.**

**Oh well.**

**It's a longer chapter than usual, as it is the last chapter of this story. The sequel, _Konoha Mishaps_, will be up midway through Febuary. But, it can be sped up on one condition.**

**PM me a bunch of complicated sciency terms for the spelling bee. **

**I have realized that I have not done a disclaimer for the past few chapters. But I think it's kinda obvious I'm not the owner of Naruto...for one, I don't speak Japanese. ****I speak American. And enough Spanish to hold a conversation for at least 30 seconds.**

**I have decided that Bleach is way too complicated for me. I've read it through three times, and I still can't remember everyone's names. **

**And here's this really funny thing. I was in Spanish, and I was listening to this recording about what clothes you like and what's your personality based on your favorite color. **

**Since Naruto likes orange, this is what it turned out to be.**

**He likes mini skirts and short shirts...**

**It's a Sexy no Jutsu Naruto alert.**

**Oh yes, I should probably tell you that the ramen part is completely made up.**

**Sorry for the super long author note.**

* * *

Dear Diary, or whatever it's called,

Today Sasuke-kun (omigosh he's so sexy!) gave me, me, Karin, a diary to write it! It's soooo great! I feel like our relationship is progressing! Soon he'll get over his shyness and take me on a date and we'll kiss and get married!

**(A/N: Argh that was so hard to type!)**

But, diary, today was also sooo terrible! That annoying Sakura showed up. Just because she was on Sasuke-kun's genin team doesn't give her that much of an advantage, right?

I hope so...

And plus, I bet she hasn't kissed Sasuke-kun yet! Hah! I can steal his first kiss! And later something else...

* * *

"Hm?" Suigetsu bent down to pick up a book. It said, "The Super-Sexy Karin's Diary".

Suigetsu had the most evil look on his face as he opened it and read the entry. Then he pulled out a pen and wrote,

* * *

Dear Karin,

You should really take better care of your journal. And as for that kiss thing, I heard that Sasuke's first kiss was actually Naruto. You know, blond dude with whiskered cheeks, loves orange, Kyuubi container?

Yep. XP

The Awesome Suigetsu

* * *

SCREW YOU SUIGETSU!

Karin

* * *

Oh, really? I'll be happy to oblige.

-The Awesome Suigetsu

* * *

Juugo raised an eyebrow as a notebook came sailing over. He picked it up and read through it before hastily scribbling down,

* * *

Karin and Suigetsu, it would be best if you stopped fighting. It's getting annoying.

Oh, and if you guys want to screw with each other, do it somewhere else.

* * *

Sasuke sighed and mentally facepalmed as he watched the battle royale go on between Team Hawk.

Maybe he should have stayed in Konoha...after all, that Itachi hairdressing incident definitely fell into the "Need to Erase" list of his memories.

But it was getting annoying...they were fighting a battle royale every five seconds.

* * *

The diary was burned with a Goukakyuu no Jutsu. Along with half a forest.

Sasuke smirked at the sight and strode off, his loyal little minio-er, followers following after him.

No one really noticed that the diary was made of a special paper that was Katon-jutsu-proof.

Hence the fact that they came across a diary that had "The Super-Sexy Karin's Diary" crossed out on the cover and "LIST OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF RAMEN" instead.

The title was confirmed when Juugo flipped through it and determined that the first page contained what Sasuke thought he burned, and the second said,

THE SUPER DUPER EPIC LIST OF EPIC RAMEN BY THE ONE AND ONLY UZUMAKI NARUTO, FUTURE HOKAGE!

This heading was further accented by a bunch of Naruto signatures and ramen doodles. There was also a little Naruto in a Hokage hat and making a victory sign.

Then it said,

LIST OF COMMON RAMEN FLAVORS

These flavors of ramen are usually found in just about every single ramen stand, whether it's in Konoha or Kumo. However, the actual taste of the ramen is different as various stands have various qualities of ramen. For each major village, I recommend the Ichiraku Ramen Stand in Konoha, the Heavenly Noodle Stand in Kumo, the Iron Hard Health Stand in Iwa, the Flowing Broth Stand in Kiri, and the Swirling Naruto Stand in Suna. Yes, that last one is named after me.

MISO RAMEN

PORK RAMEN

BEEF RAMEN

CHICKEN RAMEN

SALT RAMEN

SEEFOOD RAMEN

LIST OF DOWNRIGHT STRANGE AND WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THIS RAMEN FLAVORS

These flavors of ramen and usually found only in that specific ramen stand, and nowhere else. Some of these are extraordinarily tasty, while others make you want the buy the ramen stand and use that type of ramen for T&I.

TEA RAMEN

(A ordinary ramen with tea instead of broth. I don't recommend it. Instead, you should drink tea with dangos.)

BREAD RAMEN

(Ramen with bread. There is also a cracker version.)

TOMATO BROTHLESS RAMEN

(I believe some people call it spaghetti.)

THE SUPER DUPER EPIC HOKAGE UZUMAKI NARUTO SPECIAL

(A ramen named after me. It is found only at Ichiraku's, and is a massive 5-gallon bowl that can feed 7 people.)

DUCK-BUTT-TEME RAMEN SPECIAL

(A ramen named after my old friend, Uchiha Sasuke. Found only at Ichiraku's It's a miso ramen with excessive quantities of tomato.)

THE MANGEKYOU UCHIHA ITACHI RAMEN SPECIAL

(A ramen named after the child genius who massacred the Uchiha clan. Found only at Ichiraku's. This is the only ramen that is compatible with dango or pocky. Or both.)

THE LAZY PERV RAMEN SPECIAL

(A ramen named after Hatake Kakashi. It comes with a free, color picture Icha Icha of your choice free. Found only at Ichiraku's and only 10 bowls are made daily.)

THE SAKE RAMEN SPECIAL

(A miso ramen with lots and lots of sake. Found only at Ichiraku's. Is a great favorite of the Godaime Hokage, Senju Tsunade.)

* * *

Sasuke stared. They. Named. A. Ramen. Flavor. After. Him.

AND THEY CALLED HIM DUCK-BUTT-TEME FOR JASHIN'S SAKE!

Even Uchiha Itachi had his name on his special. And Itachi wasn't insulted in the process. But Kakashi-sense-no, just Kakashi, had "Lazy Perv" for his. But it fit, and, knowing Kakashi, he probably went to get a bowl everyday for the Icha Icha.

This, time, Sasuke used a Suiton jutsu in hopes that the ink would become too blurry to read.

* * *

Five days later, the diary appeared again, this time with a new title:

"THE GALLANT JIRAIYA'S SUDDEN INSPIRATION"

followed by an extremely graphic picture that made Sasuke want to never reproduce.

The dairy was Raiton jutsu-ed.

* * *

A week later, the diary (although it couldn't be called a diary anymore) appeared again, this time with some weird name. The title, well at least it seemed like a title, looked a lot like this:

"THE EPIC LIFE STORY OF MONKEY D. LUFFY, GREATEST PIRATE IN THE WORLD"

Sasuke briefly wondered if this was some kind of story Naruto wrote. Judging by the contents, Sasuke hoped it was. He didn't want to see another Naruto in this world.

He left the poor diary alone this time...sort of. He threw it over a cliff.

* * *

The next day, Sasuke found the diary next to his head. He screamed a girly scream. There was a new entry on a fresh page. It said,

"Hello, foolish little brother. You are very foolish to try to destroy this diary. Ha. Ha. Ha. And you screamed a girly scream."

Sasuke briefly wondered if Itachi was stalking him.

"No, little brother, I'm not. I found your chakra signature, and, since I was bored, I am currently sitting in a tree outside waiting for you to come out."

Sasuke now wondered if Itachi was reading his mind.

"No, little brother. I am not reading your mind. I am simply predicting your reactions."

So...if Sasuke jumped up and down and imitated a monkey, then it would be unpredicted right?

"I expect you to jump up and down and imitate a monkey soon. After all, you have been doing that for quite some time."

Sasuke Fuuton jutsu-ed it and buried it.

* * *

Despite his efforts, Sasuke again found the diary, this time with a title of,

"THE DAY TO DAY EFFORTS OF SOUSUKE AIZEN"

Ok. Who the hell was Aizen?

Sasuke gave up and simply stuck the diary to a rock and sank it in the sea.

* * *

"THE WONDEROUS LIFE OF SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS, DEMON BUTLER TO CIEL PHANTOMHIVE"

was the next to appear. It seemed that this "Sebastian Michaelis" liked cats, hated some weird thing called a hellhound named Pluto, was a demon, but acted as a butler to some guy named 'Ciel Phantomhive" who was the "Queen's Watchdog", whatever that was, and thought that "Meirin, Bard, and Finn" were "complete and utter idiots who were at the same time destructive".

* * *

After that, there was something like it.

"THE WONDEROUS LIFE OF GRELL SUTCLIFFE, BEST SHINIGAMI IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD"

Sasuke decided that this guy was definitely gay. Period.

* * *

About a year later, Sasuke thought he had gotten rid of that pesky diary for once and for all.

Not true.

Sasuke stared in horror as Tobi gave him a battered book that had "The Super-Sexy Karin's Diary", "LIST OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF RAMEN", "THE GALLANT JIRAIYA'S SUDDEN INSPIRATION", "THE EPIC LIFE STORY OF MONKEY D. LUFFY, GREATEST PIRATE IN THE WORLD", "THE DAY TO DAY EFFORTS OF SOUSUKE AIZEN", "THE WONDEROUS LIFE OF SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS, DEMON BUTLER TO CIEL PHANTOMHIVE", and "THE WONDEROUS LIFE OF GRELL SUTCLIFFE, BEST SHINIGAMI IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD" crossed out and "PLANS TO CAPTURE THE KYUUBI" written over them in black Sharpie.

It was slightly amusing that every single title except the first was in capital letters, including Tobi's.

* * *

The diary turned evil when Sasuke was fighting Naruto and the diary came out of nowhere and hit Sasuke on the head.

Hard.

Naruto caught the diary and raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, wasn't this the one where I wro-OH KAMI WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

It seemed as if Naruto had read the more recent entries.

However, instead of trying to get rid of it, Naruto somehow opened a portal ("Fuuinjutsu", he later said) and threw the diary into a random universe.

Hence ended the tale of the diary of Team Hawk.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"Erza! Erza! Look at this!" a pink haired dragon slayer held up the battered thing.

"NATSU! GET RID OF THAT, QUICK!" shouted Erza after she read through the contents.

"Fine..." muttered Natsu, but not before running away and quickly scribbling down some doodlings of him fighting against Gray and winning.

* * *

And after that...

"EH! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM!" Haru, the second Rave Master, jumped in fright at seeing a diary appear out of nowhere.

Ellie shrugged, before speed reading through it and grabbing a pen.

"I'm gonna leave my mark on this!"

"Hey!" shouted Haru. "So do I!"

* * *

And after that...

"Hey, Harry, you think this could be one of Voldemort's horcruxes?"

Three wizards stared at the battered thing.

"Nah, maybe not," said Ron as he read through it before suddenly getting a giant nosebleed. Harry picked it up and turned to a fresh page and hastily scribbled down some insults to Voldemort.

"Ok, all done, Hermione, Ron, let's go!"

* * *

And after that...

Gaara stared at the diary.

And stared.

And stared.

And threw it into the desert.

* * *

And somehow...

"GAAH!" Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, jumped in fright at a book.

Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, picked it up, looked through it, and got a giant nosebleed. Riza Hawkeye took one look at the picture, flipped to a fresh page, and wrote down a long lectured to this "Jiraiya".

* * *

And for some random reason...

Ian Kabra stared at the offending diary that had fallen flat onto Amy's head. Amy picked it up and looked through it, before saying,

"It's in Japanese."

Ian, skilled in Japanese that he was, read through it - and promptly wished he hadn't.

But before he could toss it, Atticus Rosenbloom grabbed it and read it before falling and laughing and barely managing to translate it to Dan, who also collapsed laughing.

* * *

Byaku thought she had done a pretty good job.

* * *

**The path of the diary has not yet finished...it's currently somewhere in the anime universe. I'll track it down later.**

**So, for the last time in this story, I bid you farewell.**

**And don't forget, you can speed up production of _Konoha Mishaps_ by sending me complicated sciency word!**

**Byaku~ and Itachi (who is trying to put a belt on Sasuke right now)**


End file.
